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August 14, 2005 - How to Stage An Olympic Games













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Our Man in London is Mike McCahill.

Mike McCahill was born in Warwickshire, England in 1978. He currently works as a film critic for The Scotsman, The Sunday Telegraph and the BBC, while trying to string together novels, screenplays and travel guides for places he's never actually been to. Mike divides his time between the Midlands and London, where professional duty requires he spend at least the first part of every week sitting in small dark rooms. With a couple of exceptions, he is open to offers.















The London Olympics are now only seven years away, and this week the local branch of the  International Olympic Committee asked me to come up with a list of demonstration sports/events/activities suitable for inclusion in the 2012 Games. (They're really stuck for ideas. I was just walking past their office when they grabbed me.)

 

According to official IOC documents, the events must be "appropriate to, and representative of, the host nation, while remaining open to as many IOC member nations as possible."  But what we in the West really, really want are events we're bound to win the gold medal in.  So, for your consideration, delectation and delight, here are fifty events you can expect to see in the 2012 London Games.  Or not, as the case will almost certainly be…

 

1. Men's scratch and jerk.

 

2. Paralympic theoretical physics. (A shoo-in for Professor Hawking, I'm presuming.)

 

3. Petecchial haemorrhaging.

 

4. Russellmania. (Wrestling event, open solely to people with the first name Russell.)

 

5. Tube station evacuation time trial. (After recent events, this is a gold medal Great Britain should have in the bag. Providing the bag isn't abandoned by the organisers and subject to a controlled explosion.)

 

6. Strip fencing.

 

7. Strip lighting.

 

8. 200m data systems analysis.

 

9. And logistics.

 

10. K9 canoeing. (Essentially, one man and his dog on water. Hot favourites to take the inaugural prize: Americans James Belushi and Tom Hanks. Chuck Top Dog Norris has withdrawn through injury.)

 

11. Playing low-key warm-up gigs.

 

12. Modern pentathlon (Gay).

 

13. Men's proportional representation.

 

14. "Wordsearch".

 

15. Synchronised SMS messaging.

 

16. Tennish. (Vague approximation of popular racquet sport. Patron: Sir Sean Con non-eventing. (Athletes have to stay out of trouble for a weekend.)

 

17. Semi-professional girl-touching.

 

18. Skeet Ulrich shooting. (Because I think we owe it to ourselves in the IOC to give the star of Chill Factor some kind of a break.)

 

 

Mike McCahill

August 10, 2005

 

 

Copyright 2005 – Mike McCahill

Email the author at mikemccahill@fastmail.fm

 

 

 

 
















 
 
 
 

Copyright 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006 - Alan M. Pavlik
 
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