World's Laziest Journalist

December 5, 2005

By Bob Patterson

Was "The Blond Ghost" in Dealey Plaza? 

[Note: The ideas in this column are those of the writer only and not of the management of Just Above Sunset (JAS) online magazine or any firm that is an advertiser in that publication now (there are none) or in the future.]

Alan Pavlik, the beloved editor and publisher of JAS, and I were relaxing in the employee's lounge, when he mentioned that the fact-checker refuses to examine the columns that refer to that area of the JAS World Headquarters, just because we don't let him know where it is or how to get in.  We call the staff lounge "The Purple Porpoise" for sentimental reasons.

"So, now that the Smirking Chimp web site hipped their readers to your theory that Bush is an outstanding example of existential philosophy in action, what are you going to do for an encore?"  He asked.

I have noticed that the Columbia Journalism Review's website, for daily critical analysis of the art of reporting the news, recently ran a story by Gal Berkerman about the story in Rolling Stone magazine about the guy who did PR for things like the Gulf War

Later, Bryan Keefer in an item headlined "Buying the News" wondered: "Wouldn't it be easier to just show up at the offices of your local paper with fistfuls of cash, and ask nicely if they'd print what you'd like them to?"

Apparently, that's exactly what John Rendon did.  I told Alan that I thought that I might do a column about how the CJR folks had (apparently) forgotten the basic journalism axiom - "Follow the money."

Shouldn't some intrepid and industrious (that let's me off the hook) reporter do a follow up story?  If John Rendon can get journalists to run a story just by asking nicely, then the "journalists" are pushovers who can easily be manipulated and ought to be fired by their employers.  If Rendon did more than just ask sweetly, then the CJR folks missed a big story.  Has Rendon handed out some press junkets (like maybe trips to Madam Lulu's or the White Rose in Vientiane? Or some other more current similar establishments?)?  Is there a payola for pundits angle lurking behind John Rendon's successful PR track record?   

Either he's one smooth talking mofo, or he knew that "money talks" and that big money "talks loud(ly)."  If that was the case, then the real story was - "Where did the money go?" 

Last week, the Mainstream Media (MSM) kicked up a fuss about the possibility that there was some Pentagon payola being doled out in Iraq to journalists who were proving that the press can be a lap dog of democracy and please the conservative talk show hosts. ("Good boy! Here's a Milk-Bone treat.")

If the conservative talk show hosts are so very critical of Liberal media, why don't they call for a thorough investigation of John Rendon's success with pedaling prepackaged opinions?  Unless … ? 

When you think about it, there is only one possible explanation about why they are so silent about that aspect of "journalism."  What if such an investigation finds out that the money was passed along to the conservative radio talk show hosts, themselves?  Were there any conservative talk shows back when gearing up for the Gulf War was a tough sell? 

[We'll check the CJR Daily regularly to see what develops.  When they update that angle, we'll do the aforementioned column.]

Alan imitated Roger Ebert using his thumb to indicate disapproval.  (It's a trademarked gesture.)  "What else ya got," Alan inquired?

I've been meaning to write a column that takes a look at the practice of conservative talk show spin wranglers who constantly refute the "he lied" aspects by tossing out a standard list of Clinton era quotes and think that they've done "Check and Checkmate!" to the Liberals.

"Well," Alan probed?

"Bush's BS came from Ahmed Chalabi and he didn't wait until Bush was sworn in to start his effort to urge the US stage a coup d'état for his own benefit.  Obviously, he had started laying the groundwork (perhaps by planting "Curveball") and (speculating here) selling some forged documents about "yellowcake," long before Dubya got into a position to order the Americans to go ahead with the coup d'état for Chalabi.  It's likely that he had flooded the market (i.e. supplied the same story to a variety of intelligence agencies around the world) with his "evidence of WMD's."  When they compared notes at the annual Spy-Con (everybody has conventions, don't they?), they all agreed they had the "true gen" on Saddam's nuke program because the information they all had was identical (because it came from the same source.)

Chalabi (according to my theory) bamboozled folks during the Clinton era, and now Bush's apologists are getting a lot of mileage out of a variation of the "Clinton bought into it too" explanation, while totally ignoring the fact that it all tracks back to the University of Chicago student named Ahmed Chalabi.  (Wasn't one of his college chums a guy named Paul Wolfowitz?) 

I could tell from the frown on Alan's face that he expected something more "tinfoil hat" from me.  Old show biz wisdom says you can't disappoint your audience.  You want crazy talk?  Well, when I get going, it's a case of "You can't handle real crazy talk!" so I took a deep breath and prayed for inspiration.  (I get better service getting my prayers answered because I'm an ordained minister who is authorized to perform weddings and other such ministerly duties.)

How about this?

George W. Bush and the Republicans don't give a shit (I was going to use a different cliché that involved a rolling doughnut) about his low approval ratings because they know that, thanks to the voting machines that don't leave a paper trail, there is nothing to worry about when every member of Congress runs for a re-election next November.  The Republicans will hold on to their majority in the House.  Isn't adding (according to their way of thinking) a few phantom votes for a Republican who will uphold Christian family values, a lesser sin than having to watch the Democrats rescind all the good work (they perceive that) Bush has done in his first two terms in office and watch the lesbians, faggots, and abortionists have their methods legitimized?

Fasten your seatbelts, boys - here comes the über-crazy stuff!

Somebody named George Bush is reported (hearsay isn't admissible as evidence) to have helped with the Bay of Pigs invasion.  The program to "get" Castro was named "Operation Mongoose."  (Here it comes!)  Many of the folks involved with Operation Mongoose were (reportedly) seen at Dealey Plaza on November 22, 1963. 

Maybe Chalabi didn't manipulate American intelligence personnel with his WMD stories?  Could he be their pawn?

Wouldn't some of the current methods in Iraq seem familiar to folks who worked on "Operation Phoenix" during the Vietnam War?

"Whew!"  Alan wiped his brow.  He took a sip of his diet Vanilla Pepsi (with additives from a small brewery in Kentucky) and managed to squeak, "Can't you just write a nostalgia laden column about your escapades while living at Lake Tahoe?"

Max Lerner has been quoted (The Columbia Dictionary of Quotations page 865) as writing, "There are some who become spies for money, or out of vanity and megalomania, or out of ambition, or out of a desire for thrills.  But the malady of our time is of those who become spies out of idealism."

Dr. Frederick Phases (of KXLU's Saturday night psychedelic hour called "She Comes in Colours") is helping us check on the report that Bing Crosby's song "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas" was played on Armed Forces radio as the signal to evacuate Saigon. 

With that in mind, our disk jockey will now play that song because it's time for us to split for this week.  Until next time, have a "watch yourself gavotte" type week.

Copyright (including logo) © 2005 - Robert Patterson

Email the author at worldslaziestjournalist@yahoo.com

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