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December 19, 2004 - They're always trying to show us up, but politely...

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And now this - "… solidifying Canada's place as the chilly yet mellow and gay friendly and hockey-riffic epicenter of all known hell."


"I knew we should've been paying more attention to that border! Didn't I say so, honey? Didn't I say we should keep an eye on those northern weirdos after they dissed the Iraq war and legalized medical pot and sort of went about their happy and calm Canadian business whilst we here in panicky red-blooded America chewed our own karmic legs off in a paranoid and jingoistic rage? Hippies and perverts, I said!"


This is from -


Canada Goes To Hell
Legal pot? Legal gay marriage? Universal health care? What's next, free porn and candy?

Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist, Wednesday, December 15, 2004


The opening?


Did you hear the screams? Did you feel the menacing chill? Did you see the black and ominous clouds, moving north?


Did you sense, in other words, the very presence of Satan himself as he laughed maniacally and tossed around bucketfuls of ultrathin condoms and little travel-size packets of Astroglide like confetti while riding his Harley Softail up to Toronto or maybe Edmonton to join the ghastly and sodomitic celebrations?


Because it's happened. Canada's high court just ruled that the government can, if it so desires, redefine marriage to include gay couples, which it has declared it will do almost immediately, thus solidifying Canada's place as the chilly yet mellow and gay friendly and hockey-riffic epicenter of all known hell.


It's true. It's rather amazing. Gay marriage will be completely legal in Canada very soon. It's been oddly ignored in much of the U.S. media and hasn't really been much discussed among those in the terrified red states except when, deep in the night, from their respective lumpy twin beds, they whisper to each other across the room as they pop their Ambien and stroke their portfolios and curse their very genitals: oh my God what's wrong with those freakin' Canadians?


I mean (they continue), I thought they loved red meat and brutish sports and manly hunting. Are they all just freaks and perverts now? Have they been sniffing too many elk pelts? Is it something in the clean and plentiful water up there? Something to do with those weird French-esque people in Quebec, maybe?


The problem? –


It's getting more confusing by the minute, isn't it? I mean, Canada now has legal medical pot and legal gay marriage and universal health care and no known terrorist enemies and a relatively successful multiparty political system. They also have, according to U.N.'s Human Development Index, one of the highest qualities of life in the world. All coupled with a dramatically reduced rate of gun violence and far better gun-control legislation than the U.S., despite having the exact same per capita rate of gun ownership and gun-sport enthusiasm.


What the hell? How is this possible? Why aren't they scared to death like whiny red-state Americans? Why don't they want to kill each other along with anything that might threaten their access to televised hockey and cheap beer and yummy poutine?


Aren't they aware of what's happening in the world? Don't they know they are openly hated for their freedoms and their cafés and their vinegared french fries? Aren't they human, fer Chrissakes? Oh, red states. How confused and irritated you must be.


And this – the down side -


Remember, Canada is boring. Canada is rarely in the news. Canada has no massive belching socioeconomic engine like America does, what with our NASCAR and Hollywood and Fox News and bad porn and the absolute best medical care on the planet despite how only a tiny fraction of us have access to it while the rest languish in bloated abusive HMOs and poverty and disease and 40 percent of us have no access to health care whatsoever. Take that, Canada! Oh wait.


We hate gays and love guns and think pot is evil but hand out Prozac and Zoloft like Chiclets. Meanwhile … Canadians leave their doors unlocked and don't feature violence and death on every newscast and still value community and diversity and discussion over solipsism and protectionism and a general hatred of foreigners and the French. See? We rule! Oh wait.


All of which makes you wonder: how many more countries will it take? How many more nations will have to, for example, prove that gun licensing works, or that gay-marriage legislation is a moral imperative, or that health care for all is mandatory for a nation's well being, before America finally looks at itself and says, whoa, damn, we are so silly and small and wrong? Is there any number large enough? After the announcement that gay Chinese and gay Russians may legally marry and grow lovely gardens of marijuana as they all get free dental care, will America remain terrified of nipples and queers?


Canadians. So mellow. So laid back. So gay. So not producing any truly superlative modern-rock music or ultraviolent buddy-cop movies and not actively siccing Wal-Mart or Starbucks or Paris Hilton on the rest of the world like a goddamn cancer. They're just so ... nice. And boring. And calm. And solid. And friendly.


And they simply beat us senseless on the whole open-minded, progressive thing. Kicked our flag-wavin' butts. Trounced our egomaniacal self-righteous selves and made the red states look even more foolish and backward than the whole world already knows them to be.




From our friend Steph in London, Ontario –


Morford asks, "What's next?  Free porn and candy?"  Well, no candy but definitely free porn.  Its called late-Friday-night television in Quebec.  Not even cable either... a TV with rabbit ears is all you need.

I must say I laughed out loud for a good five minutes when I got to the phrase "Have they been sniffing too many elk pelts?"  Actually, I personally have!  A few friends and I got five elk from a small elk-farmer about an hour north of London, and I have been scraping and working those hides as time permits for two weeks now.  Another week in a tanning solution and then smoking them, I'll have one nifty jacket.

This has not, however made me gay.  

Happy, but not gay.  


Seems these Canadians don’t know this is NOT the time to be happy.  We’re supposed to be scared and angry, and ready to kill.


Ric Erickson in of MetropoleParis – a lapsed Canadian himself - weighs in from the City of Light –


Canada Goes To Hell?


Big yawn.


Canada is boring?


Living up there in the cold north, learning to be boring takes a lot of energy. Best to conserve what's left, enjoy the health and the pot, marry a sweet moose, drink the piss-yellow beer and learn to skate or mush the year-round.


Tip of the Day: Americans wishing to wear 'Canada' badges while abroad should be aware that Paris pickpockets are targeting faux-Canadians with the badges. If they don't smell like maple syrup and wet Hudson's Bay wool they are ripe for the picking.  You have been warned.


Canada's motto: 'It Takes One To Know One' (former ultra-boring motto suppressed)


PS - Newsflash - Friday, 17 December - Orange weather alert for Paris - expect winds exceeding 100 kph this afternoon and evening. Put anchors on all small dogs and little kids.


Now that’s not boring.


But what is Ric talking about?  He is talking about Americans pretending to be Canadians while in Paris, as it just so much easier.  (Thanks, George.)


This from the Associated Press, Dec. 6, 2004 -


Planning a European vacation and don't want to talk American politics with an inquisitive foreigner? A New Mexico T-shirt company suggests going Canadian.

For $24.95, T-shirtKing.com offers the "Go Canadian" package, full of just the kind of things an American traveler can use to keep a vacation free of U.S. politics.

There's a Canadian flag T-shirt, a Canadian flag lapel pin and a Canadian patch for luggage or a backpack. There's also a quick reference guide - "How to Speak Canadian, Eh?" - on answering questions about Canada. …


Place your order here with these guys.


… This isn't the first time the company has poked fun at politics. They held a political slogan T-shirt contest for the election. Among the favorites: "Might as well vote Republican, because they'll say you did anyway."


Amusing folks, these New Mexicans.  They sound Canadian.



Copyright © 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006 - Alan M. Pavlik
The inclusion of any text from others is quotation
for the purpose of illustration and commentary,
as permitted by the fair use doctrine of U.S. copyright law. 
See the Details page for the relevant citation.

This issue updated and published on...

Paris readers add nine hours....