World’s Laziest Journalist

May 23, 2005

By Bob Patterson

[Since this was the week the fact checker took his vacation, columnist Bob Patterson decided to interview photographer Fred C. NietzsCHEguevara who is planning to branch out and begin a school to train new hosts for conservative talk shows on the radio.  Since this is all based on what Fred said, all a fact checker could ascertain is that the fellow actually said it.  The veracity of what is said is the interviewee’s responsibility.  The column based on what Bob learned while interviewing Fred follows.]

We asked Fred one question (What’s up?) and this is a transcript of his answer:

Are you tired of explaining to your wife why downsizing means that you have to not only switch from eating at Ruth’s Criss Steak House to Weinerschnitzel, but that you also have to limit the number of chili dogs you order?

At the NietzsCHEguevara Conservative Radio Talk Show School, we’ll teach you how to become a rich arrogant guy who can pass himself off as a regular guy and then sit around at the Republican National Convention and lament the fact that nuts, fruits, lesbos and other assorted riffraff still don’t get it.

At our school we’ll teach you how to outmaneuver the callers as easily as a card shark playing with a marked deck takes money from the suckers.

To give you an idea of how it works, we’ll describe some of the lessons you will get at the NietzsCHEguevara school.

The “Don’t Stop” lesson teaches you how to act humble when a caller agrees with you and how to milk the opportunity for all the unsolicited testimonial value you can while seeming to want to stop it.

The “Omnipotent” lesson teaches you how to use the fact that a caller with the antagonist approach doesn’t know everything, by asking them questions until you find one to which they can’t supply the answer.  It’s like a kid who asks a parent “why” for every answer provided.  Only God is omnipotent and so if you pepper the caller with questions about particulars, eventually it will be obvious that he isn’t God. 

The “Irrelevant Topic” lesson teaches you how to sarcastically sidestep any question a hostile caller gets in before you hit the kill button.  Suppose you are attacking Dan Rather and an impudent caller asks you about Dubya’s military record.  You just hit the kill button and explain to the audience that it is a moot topic and obviously the person who attempted to sabotage your efforts was a misguided fanatic who didn’t understand that the topic was limited to Dan Rather’s malfeasance.

The “Question Their Patriotism” lesson.  This always works.  If folks can attack a Senator who lost three limbs in Vietnam for his lack of patriotism and make it work, you can use this “sleeper hold” on anyone.  If they say they have won a Medal of Honor, mention that Audie Murphy won two.

The “Cash in” lesson will teach you how to make more money by offering T-shirts and other merchandise. 

The “Christian Elite” lesson will show you how you can become an ordained minister in the Universal Life Church.  Think of it as profits for prophets and say:  “Hallelujah!  More money!”  Thank God the Universal Life Church makes it easy.  In the “holier than thou” competition being an ordained minister is like having the ace of trump card in your hand.

The “Ironic God” lesson points out the comforting fact that God favors the rich over the poor.  When the poor are oppressed, where do they turn for aid?  The only group willing to help them (in return for political support) is the godless Communists.  When the rich are besieged (usually by the unwashed heathen rabble), who do they ask for help and guidance?  “Oh God, help us!”  Not only is it moral to have religion keep the masses in shackles, but getting rich doing that is visible proof that God loves you.

The “Mom Always Said” lesson is sometimes invoked by the Mongol hoard made up mostly of queers, members of the minority groups and broads and appeals to some manipulative rational that holds they are just as fine a human being as you are.  They will ask “Didn’t your mom teach you to share?”  Nonsense!  God helps those who help themselves.  If your mom ever starts to give you any of this liberal wimp crap . . . question her patriotism.

The “Bad Apples” lesson will show you how to claim all the glory when things go well, but when things go “belly-up,” you will learn the words to the standard song and dance about blaming it on subordinates.  You can’t know where they are and everything they are doing at all times, and so you can let them take the rap for any and all malfeasance and have a logical explanation for why they should be the ones to be punished and not you.

From time to time, the Government pays Public Relations firms to disseminate various programs.  Before Dessert Storm, the government paid some PR companies millions of dollars to swing public opinion around and favor going to war.  Since they don’t take out big ads saying “Let’s go to War!” and since the money has to go somewhere … figure it out.  If you help them advocate the idea they are getting paid to promote … the money has to go somewhere, don’t it?

The Fred C. NietzsCHEguevara school will teach folks how to make more money talking on the radio than a dozen Halliburton employees in Iraq could.  So come on down.

That concludes the transcript of the interview with Fred C. NietzsCHEguevara.  We figured it would be too much work if we asked him another question.  Maybe some other time.

Jack Martin has been quoted as saying: “The strong take from the weak and the smart take from the strong.”

Now, if the disk jockey can find the song “The Old Payola Roll Blues” (written by Stan Freberg and sung by Jesse “Maytag Repairman” White), we’ll grease our way out of here.  Come back again next week.  Maybe some nice PR agency will (somehow) persuade us to advocate a quick war with Iran in June.  Until next time, have a lucrative week.

Copyright © 2005 – Robert Patterson