Book Wrangler

June 13, 2005

By Bob Patterson

It was about 11 o'clock in the morning. June 2005. It was what they call June Gloom in LA. I was neat, clean, shaved, almost sober. Everything an Internet columnist working in his pajamas is supposed to be. Does that sound like something Raymond Chandler would write if he had ever logged on to the Internet?

My next Book Wrangler column was due and I was worried. I was starting to sweat bullets. What could I write about?

The mysterious identity of Deep Throat had been revealed and it was time to move on to the next big puzzle to be found in American culture.

We put aside out E. Howard Hunt book, Return from Vorkuta, and turned to another book in our collection of classic paperbacks and picked up Angel, by Gil Brewer. Who was this writer? You know the old advice: "You could look it up on the Internet!" Well, we tried. Nada as in: there was not a thing about him could we find out about him. Yeah, we learned what books he wrote and what they might be worth, but there wasn't much about the guy, himself. Where is a good shamus when you really need one?

Our questions about when the next James Crumley book would be published had been answered in May, when The Right Madness ($24.95 Viking Adult) appeared in bookstores.

According to the hype on the Extra-Access-Tonight axis of buzz, the new book, Fantastic: The Life of Arnold Schwarzeneegger, by Laurence Leamer ($24.95 St. Martin Press) answers the question: Did Mr. Olympus take steroids?

The title of Martin Cruiz's new book, Wolves Eat Dogs ($25.95 Simon & Schuster) raises a question in our mind: do they put mustard or catsup on them?

What do mystery writers do for a change of pace? Well, Robert B. Parker, author the of the Spencer series, about a private eye in Boston, has written a western. Appaloosa ($24.95 Putnam Adult)

While mulling over the latest revelations about Deep Throat and Tricky Dick's ability to win two successive presidential elections with the same promise (to end the war in Vietnam), we noticed one online item that said that a relative of Deep Throat was hoping to get a book deal after the news about his secret identity was announced.

Gees, we thought that the economy was booming. If things are not peachy, how long will it be before the mysterious "grassy knoll" guy has to go public just to get a book deal?

Do you suppose that the fact that the man who conducted the Warren Commission inquiry, into the events which took place on Dealy Plaza, was the only person ever to become president of the United States without being elected either president or vice-president, could indicate that it was a quid pro quo payoff for "keeping the lid on it"?

A tell-all book by a cash strapped and elusive phantom of the "grassy knoll" could possibly answer that question and many more.

Folks who believe in WMD's will have no problem with the "back and to the left" miracle. Aren't they looking for a miracle so that they can name Poppa JP II a saint? Well, Bob's your uncle (as our Brit audience would say) there's the missing miracle. Voila! Attribute the aforementioned "miracle" to the recently deceased pope and let's proceed with the "make me a saint" ceremony. Or is it called a coronation when they crown some guy, or gal, as a saint?

Speaking of our London readers, maybe one of them could tell us all about this guy Johnny Vegas. Is he some kind of Brit Johnny Knoxville or is he more like a John Denver type? Shouldn't the Sloan Rangers question the patriotism of a guy who carries the name of America's sin city as his own?

You want a perplexing question? Will some charity imitate the movie and ask celebrities to pose nearly naked for a good cause? Well, Sir Elton John has written the introduction to Four Inches ($64 Scriptum), which will benefit the Elton John Aids Foundation. It features photos of famous women, such as Christine Aguilera, Kate Moss, and Victoria Beckham, wearing Jimmy Choo spike-heel shoes (hence the title), Cartier jewelry, and perhaps some perfume? The photos were all taken by women photographers.

John F. Kennedy said: "The great enemy of the truth is very often not the lie – deliberate, contrived and dishonest – but the myth – persistent, persuasive and unrealistic."

Now, if the disk jockey will play Gene Pitney's "Who Shot Liberty Valance" (Sing along!) we'll ride on out of here for this week. If you see Mr and Mrs Smith, and can explain the plot, send it in. (You can write to this columnist by sending e-mail to "worldslaziestjournalist" at the Yahoo dot com website.) Until next time, have a hard-boiled week.

Email the author at worldslaziestjournalist@yahoo.com


				Just Above Sunset June 12, 2005 - Gumshoes: The Search For The Next Great Mystery



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